An Attempt to Make Up For My Lack of "Blogging"

Monday, January 15
aka My Least Favourite Martin Luther King Jr. Day in Recent Memory

6:03 AM- Arrive at Pearson International Airport- Terminal 2.
6:04 AM- I get in line for ticketing.
6:59 AM- Get ticket.
7:00 AM- Get in line for Customs.
7:01 AM- Clear customs. I am asked a total of zero questions. No eye contact is made.
7:02 AM- Get in line for security check.
7:04 AM- I look less suspicious than usual. I clear security.
7:05 AM- Dialogue briefly with security personnel about emptiness of airport, and how smooth things are going. Inadvertently jinx myself. Begin reading.
7:43 AM- Board plane. Aisle seat. All is well. Continue reading.
8:30 AM- Still on ground. Reading. Captain says we're waiting for weather to pass. Will update in 15-30 minutes
9:30 AM- Still on ground. Reading. First officer says we still must wait for weather to pass and will update in 10 minutes.
10:15 AM- Still on ground. Well past halfway point of book. Captain blames our delay on "society run by lawyers". He says we will return to the gate when one is available.
10:45 AM- No gate available. We must vacate our position on unused runway, so we proceed to some other spot on the tarmac. I realize if I finish this book, I will have nothing to read for the second leg of my flight. I attempt to watch "The Queen" on aisle ceiling- TV screen.
11:01 AM- There is an issue with "The Queen" VHS tape. Begin watching "All The King's Men".
11:04 AM- Continue to watch "All the King's Men", despite poorly recorded VHS and fact that tape was not rewound to the beginning.
11:15 AM- We are brought to an arrival gate, but not allowed to de-plane. "All The King's Men" is rewound to the beginning. Flight attendants provide water in cups.
11:40- People going to US on business for the day only are allowed to leave as they will not make it there in time for a return flight home. We are told all other flights have been cancelled, but that our flight will leave within 30 minutes.
12:10 PM- They lied. First officer announces that we now need to refuel. Unlike previous dilemma, no lawyers are faulted.
12:40 PM- Captain announces we are fueled and ready to go. Announcement coincides with key reveal to "All The King's Men" plot. Back to reading.
1:00 PM- "The Guardian" (feature film) begins.
1:12 PM- Kevin Costner and Ashton Kutcher lack the chemistry required to keep my attention.
1:30 PM- First officer announces that there is a large de-icing line. Second glass of water served. Brief attempt to sleep.
2:30 PM- We take off. Last chapter of book. I begin to suspect something is "going on" between couple sitting next to me.
2:45 PM- Book finished. Begin to read endnotes section of book. Nothing going on between couple. Girl has air sickness. Possibly on account of turbulence. Possibly due to what "went on".

***** NOTE: From now on, the time will be listed in Central time, as opposed to Eastern, which has been used to this point. ******

3:12 PM- First flight lands. Foodless and now bookless.
3:20 PM- Stand in line for "Customer Service" as I have missed my 9:45 AM connection.
3:40 PM- Line-up hasn't progressed. Guy in line describes a recent personal adventure. If it were a newspaper headline it would read "Visiting Businessman 'Accidentally' Orders Pornography" Subheading: "Complains it wasn't even a good one, not his type"
4:34 PM- Arrive at Customer Service Desk. Booked on 10:20 PM flight.
4:36 PM- Paper jam ensues while attempting to print my boarding pass.
4:44 PM- I say nothing while two airline employees try in vain to fix the machine.
4:52 PM- Man, this is a paper jam alright. They claim I can board plane without a ticket, but I'm not one to just walk away from the most exciting paper jam of my young life.
4:56 PM- Jammed paper be damned! I have a ticket. Seating area 2. A small victory in a losing battle.
5:03 PM- Get in line for Chili's.
5:21 PM- Seated at Chili's. Order salad & chicken sandwich.
5:51 PM- Begin digestive process. Chili's was a bad choice.
5:59 PM- Consider buying magazine for light reading. I am discouraged by fact that Maxim and Stuff magazine are behind black plastic case, and grouped with pornography. To avoid looking like airport pornography enthusiast I buy new books instead.
9:32PM- Book 2 finished.
9:33 PM- Begin walking aimlessly. Notice 10:20 flight delayed until 10:55. 10:20 PM- No plane in sight. Continue walking back and forth on moving sidewalks, pretending to skate. Begin to realize delirium is setting in.
10:55 PM- No plane.
11:15 PM- Plane!

At this point I stop looking at time. I am dead on the inside. My attempt to sleep on the plane is thwarted by speaker over head playing "Smack That" during flight.

1:12 AM- Touchdown. I decide I need a hotel.
1:20 AM- Minus 21 Celsius. I am alert. I decide to drive.
1:40 AM- Driving was a bad choice.
1:50 AM- Stop at Super 8. Ask for a non-smoking room. Room is provided after brief uncertainty.
1:56 AM- Room inspection. It appears clean. Time for bed.
1:57 AM- Undress to "Sleep Attire"
1:58 AM- Room inspection was rushed. Sheet laden with foreign hair.
1:59 AM- Dress in "Cover every inch of my body, including wearing a toque and gloves" attire
7:42 AM- Rod calls. I tell him I'm on my way to work. I'm able to leave immediately since I am already clothed.

Patina

Yep he gave me ten bucks for the wok he burned up.I went out with my ten bucks to get a new one. Found it.
A real beauty, about 16" in diameter made of hammered Chinese steel.It cost more than ten bucks but it is Chinese hammered steel.While I was at it I picked up a new wooden spoon.Another fine example of Chinese craftsmanship. A good 20" long and made of beechwood. $1.77 us.
I had to get these back to the apartment to play with them.
The carboard packaging around the wok gave the instructions on how to season your new Chinese hammered steel wok.
First clean off the manufacturerer's shipping coat of grease or shellac or what ever they use to protect it from rust on the journey to the middle of the USA. Next put it on the stove ,pour in a couple of tbsp of oil and heat it up swirl it around the bottom and up the sides, let cool repeat 4 or 5 times. A rich patina will start to form. The patina only becomes richer with use.
I was on my third cycle of oil, heat, swirl, cool, when something on tv got my attention.
I stepped around the corner to see what was going on on tv , must have been standing there all of ten seconds.
I heard " OH MY GOD! FIRE. THERE'S A FIRE"
It was D
I went back around the corner and shit, a fire, there was a fire in my new Chinese hammered steel wok.
I caught a glimps of D's back as he was bailing out.I walked over put a lid on the wok .Out went the fire.
Then I heard the smoke detector.Stepped in the hall way to attend to that but D was already on it. Waving a book at it to clear it of smoke and stop the noise. Good thing we have books laying all over the place.
Went back into the kitchen to check out the wok . Peeked under the lid ,more clouds of smoke so I left it.About ten minutes later everthing had cooled down. I checked out the damage.My new spoon charred. Wok; a patina had formed alright. It was black but it wasn't rich.All is not lost though. A charred spoon will impart a smoky barbeque flavour to dishes that it is used to prepare. Everyone likes barbeque. The wok is a blacky bluey sort of colour, but not warped. And as the Chinese say a warped wok won't wok.......(tsk..couldn't help it)
Having my wits about me when it came to putting out the fire prevented a visit from the fire department. We wanted to see if those guys are as friendly as the cops. We'll just have to wait 'til next time.
later........................
Oh ya, gun show , next week,FFA hall, can't wait. 100 tables, 8' long, filled with guns
Assimilation......................... Resistance is futile.

Atrasado

I'm starting to pick up some Spanish. I don't get everthing they are saying ,but I know they are talking about my new boots.Laughing in Spanish sounds the same as in English

A Wok to Remember: A Response in Haiku

Teflon smells funny

My lungs and I paid the price

I gave you 10 bucks

TSK

He burned up my wok.

He's ok with that though.

It was a self fulfilling prophecy.

Just like when your Mom said

"Don't wear your good pants outside,

you'll get grass stains on them"

Stay out of the kitchen,

you'll bug me!

tsk.

Open up it's the police!

12:30 a.m.I slowly come around because my cell phone is ringing and D through the crack at the door asking "Did I hear that?"
There was someone at the apartment door banging on it ,pushing the button and yelling "Open up it's the police"of course D didn't get the door . You can't be too carefull.This is the second time cops have been banging at our door wanting it to be opened.
I threw off the covers to get at my phone, but by now it had stopped ringing.While I was fumbling with the phone in the dark trying to see who called,D was back at the door "The place is surrounded by police"
Oh boy our chance to get on "COPS" bad boys, bad boys.
As I struggled to put on my pants, the weak little bell on the phone sounded to let me know that someone had left a message.
Man o man; pants ,message, red and blue lights flashing through the window,D at the door, what in the world?All sorts of things were going through my mind. Late phone calls, far from home this can't be good. It's happened before.
Finally I retrieved the message. The local police were calling to let me know somebody had smashed into the company truck that was parked on the street, whew. Just then D is back at the door "I'm so sorry, your truck is up on the grass somebody crashed into it"
"Why are you sorry" I said.
"My first reaction is always guilt" he said ........tsk.
I head outside and am greeted by one of tenants in her housecoat watching the action. She welcomes me back from Canada and asks if I had a nice Christmas.
" Oh ya " I said "but I got business to take care of thanks anyway eh"
I walked toward the police "This your truck?" he said.
"Yep" I said
"Sorry we had to wake you"He said.
Holy mackeral ,"sorry", "welcome back",these people. I said"Don't be sorry"
He said that it couldn't be good being pulled out into the the street in the middle of the night.
No but it's not as bad as smacking up your car in the middle of the night.
"How's the driver?"
"Okay ,just a bump on her nose"said the cop.
That's about it. We just waited around for the tow truck to get the car out of there. I drove the truck around to my new $30 dollar a month parking spot, off the street.Went back inside shot the shit with D for a few minutes, done.
later...........................
P.S.
D got to see me in my underwear and he didn't scratch his eyes out. Amazing.....